Forgiveness is a powerful tool, but it’s not always an easy one to wield. For those of us who have experienced deep hurt, the idea of forgiving someone who has caused so much pain can seem impossible. But the truth is, forgiveness is the key to our healing, our peace, and our freedom. It doesn’t mean we forget the hurt or that we’re excusing the actions that hurt us, but it does mean we are choosing to no longer let that hurt control us.
“Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don’t understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to do with future behaviour”. -Rick Warren
If you’re struggling to forgive, know that you’re not alone. It’s a process, and it requires intentional effort. But with each step, you’ll be closer to releasing the weight of your past and finding the peace you’ve been searching for.
Here’s a guide to help you through the process of forgiveness:
1. Acknowledge the Pain
The first step to forgiveness is recognizing the pain. Don’t try to sweep it under the rug or pretend it didn’t happen. Acknowledge the hurt and give yourself permission to feel the emotions that come with it—anger, sadness, betrayal, confusion. It’s okay to be hurt.
In my own journey, I had to look at the reality of what happened, no matter how difficult it was. I had to stop pretending it didn’t affect me, and I had to stop waiting for an apology that might never come. For years, I carried resentment, and it wasn’t until I acknowledged the pain that I could even begin to think about forgiveness.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
– Psalm 34:18
It’s okay to hurt. You won’t heal unless you acknowledge the hurt. Just remember that God is near you in that pain.
2. Choose to Forgive
Forgiveness isn’t a feeling; it’s a choice. It’s not about waiting until you “feel ready” or until the person who hurt you apologizes. You choose forgiveness because you know that holding on to resentment only keeps you tethered to the past and steals your peace.
For me, I had to make the choice to forgive because I realized that forgiveness was not about excusing the other person—it was about freeing myself. As I shared in my last post, I waited for an apology that never came, but choosing to forgive allowed me to reclaim my peace and stop letting their actions control me.
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
– Matthew 6:14
Forgiveness is a choice that brings freedom so we can be present for those who are most important to us.
3. Release the Resentment
Forgiveness is about letting go of the anger and resentment that hold you captive. It’s not enough to say you’ve forgiven someone—you must actively release the burden. From personal experience, I know this is easier said than done. It might take time. Lots of time. You might need to forgive over and over again, especially when the memories and emotions resurface. But with each release, you are one step closer to peace.
I had to let go of the resentment I was holding onto, even though the persons who hurt me never acknowledged their wrongdoing. I had to choose to stop allowing them to take up space in my heart and mind. This wasn’t for them—it was for me. It was for my family; for my children. Releasing the resentment meant I was able to begin healing. This meant freeing up my emotional reserves so I could focus on what truly matters most to me: being present for my kids and my husband.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”
– Ephesians 4:31
Letting go of resentment is a process of actively releasing what no longer serves your peace. It is not an overnight process by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a process that is well worth it.
4. Set Boundaries (Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Reconciliation)
Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean reconciling with them. There are situations where reconciliation is not wise or safe, and that’s okay. Forgiveness is about healing your heart, not opening yourself up to more harm.
In my own experience, I had to accept that some relationships could never be restored no matter how desperately I longed for them to be. That was a painful truth for me to accept, but it was necessary for my own well-being. Yearning for reconciliation of a past relationship—one that caused me so much harm (mentally, physically, emotionally, and psychologically)—meant I wasn’t able to appreciate the positive relationships I had in my life.
Reconciliation may not always be possible or wise. Remember, forgiveness means letting go of the bitterness, not the wisdom of protecting your heart.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
– Romans 12:18
We can do our part to forgive and let go, but we’re not responsible for how others respond. Whether or not they choose to change has nothing to do with your choice to forgive. You only need to let go of the bitterness—or desire for revenge (wanting them to “get what they deserve”)—and instead, allow generosity in your heart.
5. Pray for Healing and Strength
Forgiveness requires strength—strength that we can find in God. It’s not something we can do on our own, especially when the wounds feel too deep. And sometimes the wounds are so deep it feels like they’ll never heal. Prayer is a powerful tool to help us forgive, heal, and find the strength to move forward.
When I couldn’t find the strength to forgive, I prayed for it. Sometimes it seemed like God was silent, but I kept praying. If the scripture said He is near to the brokenhearted, then I had to believe He was there all the times I prayed. I asked God to help me release the pain and bitterness and to heal the wounds in my heart.
And slowly, over time, I found the peace I was desperately seeking. Prayer doesn’t take away the hurt, but it strengthens our resolve and allows God to help us through the process.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
– Philippians 4:13
With God’s help, you can forgive and heal, no matter how difficult the journey.
6. Extend Generosity
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to trust the person who hurt us again or invite them back into our lives. As mentioned above, sometimes wisdom advises otherwise. What it does mean, though, is that we release the people who hurt us from the power they have over us and that we open ourselves up to generosity. Sometimes, we may even find the ability to extend grace when they need it.
This is what forgiveness really comes down to—letting go of the chains that hold you captive. It’s not about what the other person deserves. It’s about freeing your heart so that you can heal and move forward.
“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High.”
– Luke 6:35
Forgiveness and generosity go hand in hand. It’s about healing your heart and allowing God to guide you through the process.
Final Thoughts
Forgiveness is a journey, and it doesn’t happen overnight. You will have to choose to forgive the people who hurt you over and over again Every time the hurt resurfaces, you will have to be intentional about choosing to forgive.
Forgiveness is a process that requires time, intentionality, and often, divine help. But as you choose to forgive, you’ll find that peace and healing are not only possible—they’re inevitable.
Remember, forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation, but it does mean letting go of resentment and bitterness. It means freeing yourself so that you can walk in the peace and freedom that God intends for you. And sometimes, if that person needs it, it means offering them generosity, even if it’s from a distance.
This guide is designed to help you take actionable steps toward forgiveness. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Let me know how it resonates with you, and feel free to share it with others who might need it.
I am praying for you.
-Lis
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